


Wiseonja

by NeverGrowUp890



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Self-Hatred, i edited this myself at 3 am and then posted it, why? who knows
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-04
Updated: 2018-01-04
Packaged: 2019-02-28 05:08:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13264341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeverGrowUp890/pseuds/NeverGrowUp890
Summary: this is entirely unbetaed so i'm sorry in advance if it's garbage. it's not my best work but it's something i wanted to put out during my writer's block. hope you like it!





	Wiseonja

**Author's Note:**

> this is entirely unbetaed so i'm sorry in advance if it's garbage. it's not my best work but it's something i wanted to put out during my writer's block. hope you like it!

He’s not gay.

“What?”

He’s not gay.

“Sure, hyung, whatever you say.”

Sometimes after the incredible rush of a show or a couple of heavy drinks, Junmyeon has thoughts. He has thoughts about pretty people with short hair and masculine features. Thoughts about beautiful people, sometimes with flat

chests and sometimes not, arching their backs in wanton as they pleasure themselves with hands, toys, anything they can reach. Thoughts of people, boys, that make him hot and scared in the dead of night when he’s especially alone

and has nothing to distract himself with. Thoughts that Suho, the impeccable leader of Exo, isn’t allowed to have or to even consider.

Logically Junmyeon knows he can’t be the only one, knows that there are plenty of people like him in this giant industry, in the world even, but he can’t help to think and feel that he’s incredibly alone.

The day Sehun came out on stage in front of thoughts, a subtle easy gesture that could be played off as a stupid joke or chalked up to general weirdness, Junmyeon hated him.

It wasn’t actual hate, he loved Sehun more than he could possibly process or bear, but the idea of someone being so comfortable in themselves was unnerving. That night Sehun didn’t care what anyone thought or said, he knew that whoever had caught onto this, to him finally allowing himself to simply be, and had accepted him regardless were the only people that mattered, fans included.

Even now as Sehun sucks bruises into his collarbone and clumsily grinds against his leg, Junmyeon feels sick. Sick to his stomach that someone like him, with a good childhood, loving parents, and a blessed life, could become...this. A man who likes women and men. A greedy pervert who can’t keep it in his pants. Someone who even Sehun hates.

A harsh kiss brings him back from his wallowing. Junmyeon’s lips slowly move against Sehun’s, his eyes closing tightly as he tries more and more to get lost in it and just forget. Sehun pulls away before he can and looks back at him in his calculating way,”I don’t hate you.” He’s so lost in his thoughts he’s not sure what he’s voicing or simply thinking.

Junmyeon looks away embarrassed, caught red handed in the middle of his quarter life crisis while trying to get laid, and nods dismissively.

Sehun kisses his cheeks, his eyelids, the corners of his mouth, anything that he can reach that will take the shame away from Junmyeon’s face. But there’s only so much Sehun can do to fix this, only so much he can do to reassure Junmyeon that it’s okay to be...whatever he is. To love differently and wholeheartedly. Sehun kisses his way down Junmyeon’s neck and chest, careful to not leave marks so Junmyeon can deny this all in the morning. He looks up briefly to see Junmyeon with his eyes closed tight as Sehun nears his stomach with heated wet kisses.

Although his eyes are closed, Junmyeon can feel Sehun glaring up at him, can feel the spite rolling off of the younger man. They’re genuinely friends, very good friends, but Sehun hates doing this almost as much as Junmyeon does. There isn’t always a stranger that either of them can get lost in and even if there is, it’s easier to avoid scandal this way. With their ever rising popularity and the expectations they’re supposed to uphold and exceed, Exo can’t afford any more scandals.

With this obligation comes an underlying resentment that neither of them can really hide. Sehun hates that Suho can prance around on stage and revel in his sweaty touches in front of fans, but Junmyeon can only quiver in self-pity and denial as Sehun explores his body in the privacy of their dorm and hotel rooms. Junmyeon hates that Sehun does this to him, encourages him to delve into a side of him he wants to keep hidden away forever. So when the maknae consequently sucks a hickey into his hip bone, Junmyeon doesn’t have the heart to push him away because if he does Sehun might just stop doing this all together.

Even though Junmyeon closes his eyes again, Sehun puts his mouth on him, wet and sweet, and for a minute he can pretend it’s a girl. A pretty girl with short hair and small boobs gagging on his cock just the way he likes.

A pretty girl he can date in public and hold hands with, once the crazier exo-ls settled down and accepted her. A pretty girl he can marry if he needed to, who can have babies and take care of him and his new family. A pretty girl who society won’t look twice at. A pretty girl to fit the pretty picture Junmyeon has created ever since he was a child. He can see her now, sucking on the head of his cock and playing with his balls, with pretty eyes and a circular face. But the image is broken when her moan sounds more like a groan and a lot like Sehun’s and her hands, cupping his balls, feel a lot like Sehun’s, and soon all Junmyeon can picture is Sehun because at the end of the day it is Sehun.

The maknae pulls off of him and sits up, shucking off his briefs and holding his cock as Junmyeon sits up to look at him,”Blow me.” Time slows down the minute Junmyeon gets on his knees and wraps his lips around Sehun’s fat cock.

 

He hates himself.

 

He hates that he loves the weight on his tongue, the taste, the smell, all of it. He hates that as he blows him, messy just the way Sehun likes it, his own cock aches with abandon as Sehun runs fingers through his hair and makes him gag. 

It takes everything in him to ignore the feeling of nausea, not from choking on his dick, but from the idea of choking on a dick in the first place. He doesn’t want this, doesn’t want to be this person, but he is.

Despite it all, the disgust and self pity, he’s still rock hard between his legs, dribbling precum onto the sheets as he makes eye contact with Sehun. The maknae pulls his cock out of Junmyeon’s mouth, slowly but surely to watch each and every inch come out of his hyung’s mouth, and tells him,”Lay down, hyung.”

The prep goes by a little faster than Sehun expected. He knows that Junmyeon wants it to hurt just a little, to punish himself for liking anal play so much. Every single time Sehun insists that some people just like anal play and there’s nothing wrong with it, even straight guys, but then Junmyeon angrily huffs about being straight even though Sehun, a man, is actively fingering him.

Ultimately it isn’t Sehun’s responsibility to help Junmyeon become secure in his sexuality. Of course he cares about his hyung, but Sehun isn’t going to deny Junmyeon, a consenting adult, sex when he could also be getting laid. At least it’s with someone who cares about him and not some random twink who would just exploit and use his hyung.

But as Sehun enters Junmyeon, he remembers why exactly he deals with Junmyeon’s bullshit in the first place. He’s somehow one of the best lays Sehun has ever had. The way that he looks up at him, eyes half closed in pleasure as his  
cock stretches him open, is something that the maknae never gets tired of. The way Junmyeon kisses when Sehun fucks him, full of trust and love, is the reason why Sehun keeps doing this. The way Junmyeon feels around him, tight

and hot, is why Sehun is so so addicted. During the gayest part of gay sex, Junmyeon is the most compliant and trusting. He kisses Sehun without cringing, begs to be touched without an ounce of hesitation, and even fucks himself on his cock.

For a minute there’s a moment of clarity where Sehun thinks Junmyeon has finally made it through, has finally accepted that he’s bisexual and that there’s nothing wrong with 1it. He fucks Sehun with his eyes open, cums on his tummy with their foreheads pressed together, and even stays to cuddle for most of the night before slinking off to his room, insisting that their managers might check on them tomorrow morning.

But by the time morning rolls around and they begin running through their schedules, Suho won’t really look at Sehun. He’ll make Dad jokes that they all cringe at or play games to bother the others, but he doesn’t look at the maknae in the eye, doesn’t want to either. That night they run through their performance with incredible success and Suho flirts with Sehun every chance he gets, but when they arrive at their hotel Junmyeon is a different story. Junmyeon avoids him for most of the night, even when they all go out for dinner and drinks at some local restaurant. Junmyeon doesn’t talk to him even when they get back to the hotel and spend time in Baekhyun’s room, drunkenly watching movies and laughing way too loud.

But Junmyeon does come around at 1:30 am with a knock so soft Sehun almost doesn’t hear it. Just like each and every time, Junmyeon pushes his way into the room, begging for something only Sehun can give, with complete desperation and hate in his eyes.


End file.
